Leo

The thing you are afraid of wanting is the same thing you have been moving toward without admitting it. This doubling back happens when the desire is large enough that getting it would change how other people see you, and how you see yourself in their eyes. You can feel it in the way you mention the possibility and then immediately deflect, the way you research it privately but speak about it as if it belongs to someone else. The fear is not of failing at the thing. The fear is of succeeding at it and having to live as the person who did.